Friend: Look on the bright side
Me: [walks away]
Friend: Where are you going
Me: To talk to someone who doesn’t say shit like that
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em