I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
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A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.