FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
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While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.