friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
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Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I get distracted pretty eas
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.