@ThugRaccoons

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

You Might Also Like

@BeCoco77

True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no.
If you’re reading this, I lied.

@jnellbg

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

@loudmouth_usa

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

@Social_Mime

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

@DevilryFun

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

@MKupperman

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

@johnbiehl

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

@pdxjohnny99

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.