FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
You Might Also Like
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.