@sixfootcandy

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

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@YoungNobler

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

@TheBoydP

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

@outsmartedmommy

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

@ThisLocalHater

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

@funnyordie

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

@Brianhopecomedy

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

@tastefactory

Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.