@difficultpatty

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

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@GrantTanaka

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

@isabelzawtun

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

@BrassBallsCJ

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

@McGrumpenstein

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes

LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim

@ayosworIdd

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”