[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
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Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder
ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes
LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder
ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.