@difficultpatty

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

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@mommy_cusses

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

@mom_tho

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

@bfrosty04

Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly?

God I miss my ‘Thirties’….

@Dawn_M_

Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.

@MattFnWallace

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

@iRowlf

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

@CornOnTheGoblin

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

@Diamond_Jax

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

@juliussharpe

Someone tell my kid that if I wanted to hear high-pitched shrieking all night, I would have become a murderer.