Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it