Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

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Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.


Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?




H: …you look great


Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly?

God I miss my ‘Thirties’….


Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti.


And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”


Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.


good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me


(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.


Someone tell my kid that if I wanted to hear high-pitched shrieking all night, I would have become a murderer.