Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
This is so me 😂😂
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.