@UncleDuke1969

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

You Might Also Like

@KeetPotato

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

@Jeffwni

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

@iIIustrous

NOOO my little brother had his christening today and the reception place confused his name with my weeb sisters gmail name and IM GONNA CRY

@briangaar

Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I’m gonna take a pass

@TweetsByKaylee

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

@SonOfCha

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

@TheBoydP

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

@Gooooats

If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.