it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
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Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
where do you see yourself in five years?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”