Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
the last thing a carrot sees
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Fight
you gotta be faster
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.