Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
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I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
broke down and did it
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
This squirrel eats better than I do
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
How dramatic are you?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.