I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store