Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
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how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
sry
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol