Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.