It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Friend: Omg, he proposed, we’re getting married!
Me: My condolengrats.
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“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day