Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
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“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.