@LittleMissAngr1

Friend: Omg, he proposed, we’re getting married!

Me: My condolengrats.

You Might Also Like

@Skoogeth

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

@LorieGZ

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

@ThePocketJustin

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

@ProBirdRights

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

@Mr_Kapowski

Hi, I’m Zack. You might remember me from HR meetings such as, “We Don’t Even Need to Watch the Security Tape to Know It Was You”

@ContradictEgo

Replacing facebook with Twitter is a bit like replacing caffeine with heroin

@MooseAllain

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

@ninjadinosaur1

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

@Cherbearxo

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

@Mostly_Cheese

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?