Friend: Omg, he proposed, we’re getting married!

Me: My condolengrats.

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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly


me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…


I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.


When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.


When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.


Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.


Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches


So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day