FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

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“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”

-Trojan 911 dispatcher


[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend


I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out


(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.


You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.


I’m not saying I’m antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I’m doing I just tell them to Google it.


Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.


My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?