“We’ve traced the call. It’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!”
-Trojan 911 dispatcher
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
You Might Also Like
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.
I’m not saying I’m antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I’m doing I just tell them to Google it.
Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?