FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Did a trash talking tree write this?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
that de-escalated quickly
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream