@thetits

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

@CheryeDavis

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

@TheAlexNevil

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

@pinningnut

My husband and I are thinking about leaving everything to our dog. What he will do with $20.00 I don’t know. But I hope he enjoys it.

@cepheusjackson

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

@LizzieEMB

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

@EwdatsGROSS

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@JohnLyonTweets

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.