FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order