There’s no law that says you can’t make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.
Friend: Omg you know when you get sober & get embarrassed?
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My New Year’s resolution was to lose weight. Was going good until I woke up this morning.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.