@MsSkarsgaard

Friend: Omg you know when you get sober & get embarrassed?

Me: No.

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@CelebrityChez

There’s no law that says you can’t make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.

@envydatropic

My New Year’s resolution was to lose weight. Was going good until I woke up this morning.

@robboma3

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

@Maxine12333

If you need anything done now do it yourself, if you want it done right call a pro and if you don’t care if it ever gets done, ask your kid.

@Mindless4Miles

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

@Lisabug74

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

@Phook75

The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

@TravLeBlanc

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

@MomOnFire

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.