Friend: Omg you know when you get sober & get embarrassed?

Me: No.

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After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.


Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig


me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly


Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.


I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.


When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”


Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom


8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure


11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day