Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
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I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me if I was a dog
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]