Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
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Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*