Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
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Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Oh deer
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper