Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

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Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.


Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?


Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish


“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.


I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012


It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.


Some guy just tried to pay me for a Craigslist item with a check,but I’m not stupid. I made him pay me with a cold, hard, American $15 bill.


“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”