@TheRealPalMal

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

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@flashember

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

@minkpinkustink

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

@roxiqt

Date someone who:

• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman

@KevinHart4real

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

@LucyLouMcB

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

@naughtygeisha3

Men say they love Asian women but every time I fry up a new boyfriend’s cat or dog it’s like all the appreciation goes out the window.

@NrouteHQ

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

@RodLacroix

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.