@TheRealPalMal

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

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@kimtopher22

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

@ericarhodes

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

@curiousteej

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

@amydillon

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

@matt___nelson

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

@liv_thatsme

Some guy just tried to pay me for a Craigslist item with a check,but I’m not stupid. I made him pay me with a cold, hard, American $15 bill.

@JimmerThatisAll

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”