Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
You Might Also Like
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*