FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
yeah no that’s fair
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”