FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Every work meeting this week
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.