Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Thursday
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.