me: no shoes in the house
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search