Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.


I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.


*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?


There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.


[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”


ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”


*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]


I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit


My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search