Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.


Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.


me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know


[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.


Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.


My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.


Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”


me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?


“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag


I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.