Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
You Might Also Like
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
October already? What’s next? November????
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming