FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
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Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Why I divorced her.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Noah
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.