FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

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I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.


My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.


WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes


[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop


I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.


[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD