FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

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[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*


I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.


I don’t play mario kart with my brother anymore.

Because we are both in our 20’s & my mom is not there to split us up when we fight.


Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.


How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.




i just watched a girl in class look confused during the lecture then literally open up her laptop and change her major


Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”