I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
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My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I whispered to the wind, and the wind told me to shut up.
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD