FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
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Cucumbers Anonymous
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you