FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*