FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
In banana years, I am bread.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!