Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
You Might Also Like
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
every college guy’s fridge
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle