Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.