@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

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@Xoolun

Went to the gym and asked the trainer.

Could you help me do splits?

Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?

Me: I can only do Thursday.

@naazihah

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

@skickwriter

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

@nevernicethings

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

@KeetPotato

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

@theDanLawler

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

@BrandonBrown522

Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.

@thedad

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

@Tmoney68

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.