Went to the gym and asked the trainer.
Could you help me do splits?
Trainer: Sure How flexible are you?
Me: I can only do Thursday.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
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Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.