@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

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@katy_baybay

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

@mommajessiec

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

@Sickayduh

DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present

@LlamaInaTux

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

@sock_holliday

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

@surrealvehicle

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

@liamstack

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”