Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
#dalle2
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.