Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
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being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
This pepper has seen some shit
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?