@ThugRaccoons

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

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@3sunzzz

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

@UncleBob56

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

@Reverend_Banjo

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

@Ristolable

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

@molly7anne

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

@DanRather

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

@bettieriot

I don’t regret my exes. They all served a purpose. On an unrelated note, my rose bushes are really thriving.

@Gupton68

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

@BoogTweets

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

@longwall26

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.