Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
You Might Also Like
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.