Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works