Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
This was the best day of my life
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.