@mdob11

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

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@Chumpstring

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

@pplwtching

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

@Marcmywords2

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

@iGreenMonk

They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good – they just couldn’t get a decent wi-fi signal.

@vangobot

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

@dave_cactus

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

@Johnniemmanuel

If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!

@POTerritory

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

@treydayway

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza