Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

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GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?


Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.


I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.


They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good – they just couldn’t get a decent wi-fi signal.


[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training


*sees a truck*

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.


I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.


If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!


The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia


Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza