Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
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If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
At least he brought enough for everyone
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that