@VisionBored1

Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going

Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally

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@GrandadJFreeman

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

@5exyunchained

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

@iamspacegirl

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

@karanbirtinna

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

@mompsychologist

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

“Sir, that’s a bench.”

Me: perfect.

@BoomBoomBetty

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

@BoozeWallet

[walking through park with date]

Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange

[blood is just pouring from my mouth]