Beware of fowl play.
Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going
Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
British people: why does everyone hate us
Also British people: