KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.