@VisionBored1

Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going

Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally

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@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

@crunchenhancer

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

@Kendragarden

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

@ElliotHetherton

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

@WetMascara

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

@shariv67

There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.

@_Water_Baby

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

@wank_666

British people: why does everyone hate us

Also British people: