That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going
Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally
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How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[at the gym]
Me: what does this machine do?
“Sir, that’s a bench.”
Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[walking through park with date]
Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange
[blood is just pouring from my mouth]