When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.