I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.
I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date
Much more satisfying.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
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Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Dude the goverment isn’t spying on you. You’re not interesting
*meanwhile in a secret base*
“dont let him say that to you. You’re amazing”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.