FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

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I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.

I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date

Much more satisfying.


Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.


Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.


Dude the goverment isn’t spying on you. You’re not interesting
*meanwhile in a secret base*
“dont let him say that to you. You’re amazing”


BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?


The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….


*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it


Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something


I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.


Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.