The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me