doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
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sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*