Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

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I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.


A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.


Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.


Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.


“Hello, 911”
Help I’m being murdered!
“Can you put the murderer on please”
“Gotta hear both sides”


[me as a poltergeist]
*replacing the coffee with decaf* ooooOooOooooo


Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.


My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.