Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My dog learned how to text
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My flabber has been gasted.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Sorry. Not sorry
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Spa day..😅
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Monday
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done