Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.