WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
friend: so, things are going well?
Girlfriend: he’s so sweet
[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]
Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-
[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]
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My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.