@captainkalvis

friend: so, things are going well?

Girlfriend: he’s so sweet

[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]

Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-

[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]

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@dafloydsta

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

@JeremyKCMO

‘I’m sure it’s just water,’ I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.

@ComedicBust

My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.

@dubstep4dads

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

@iamburtjarvis

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

@katelynn_rae01

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

@FunnyCauseImFat

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”

@lejessica

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.