Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.