Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”